Mapmakers Do It Cartographically

For Merry, though not about her.

Veins crisscross your skin like winding roads cover maps,
The AA Ordinance Survey map of you.
I can almost see the contour lines that denote your body’s hills and valleys,
As I kiss you
Up
and
Down them.
Stretch marks cover your breasts and belly like river lines.
I am glad you cannot see inside my head.
You would not appreciate the cartographical beauty I can see in your body.

7 MORE Questions I Get Asked As a Lesbian

This is dedicated to two of my good friends, one in England, one in Ireland, who ask me many questions, almost all of which are welcomed and answered properly, and who occasionally ask some of these questions! Love yis.

11.“Do you check out girls when they’re changing?”
No, not generally. I’ve been changing with other girls since I was tiny, it’s not a sexual thing, generally I don’t even notice, unless I have a massive crush on someone, in which case I’m generally too shy to change in front of them.

12. “How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never slept with a guy?”
I should not need to explain the stupidity of this. How does someone know they’re straight if they’ve never slept with someone of the same sex?
Often leading into…

13. “And you’re sure you don’t fancy me? (Guys)”
Often followed directly by me laughing while they list their attractive body features I am missing out on.

“You don’t even find my ass a little bit attractive?” No, not even slightly.

14. “I want to go to a gay bar to see what it’s like, will you come with me and pretend to be my girlfriend if I get hit on?”
This always just seemed a bit of a teasing move to me, just say you’re straight, surely?! That’s what I’d say if a man was hitting on me.

15. “Was that your sister? Your… Friend?”
Quite often, that was the girl you saw me kissing a minute ago. Frankly I’m pretty disturbed that you thought that was my sister, it should have been pretty obvious she was not my sister! Or people try to ask if she was my partner or girlfriend but without saying those words, in case they offend me? I don’t know…

16. “I have this friend, she also likes girls, do you want her number?”
I’ve only had this a few times but it was always a bit weird that people would try and match make me with someone based purely on sexuality, but then, I’ve never taken anyone up on this so I don’t know, maybe we would bond over a mutual love of cats, wolf t-shirts and Indigo Girls?

17.“Which of you is the man in the relationship”” Alternatively “Who wears the pants?”
The second ones makes a nice lead in to my favourite ever retaliation to this question. “Sometimes I wear the pants, sometimes she wears the pants, sometimes neither of us wear pants at all.”
As a lesbian, I think that should make it clear that we are both always the women in the relationship. What you’re really asking is who tops, and I won’t answer that either, not matter how often you ask.

What Does A Lesbian Look Like

Last Thursday, I became a proper lesbian.
Now, understand. I came out as gay in 2009, but that didn’t really count.
I’ve had girlfriends, but as everyone knows, any girl can snog another girl and not be a “dyke”.

No. To be a real lesbian, you must own a plaid flannel shirt. And so it came to be, that after a quick shop in Oxfam, I became a proper lesbian.

Now, properly and unsarcastically, I call bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my new plaid shirt, it’s actually really comfy and I think it looks good. But I’m not wearing this shirt because I love women, and wearing it does not make me gay either.
When I came out there were a few people who were confused because I “looked straight” which I’ve always found strange, I suppose I’d technically be termed as a “lipstick lesbian”, or “femme lesbian”? I can’t keep up with all the hip new terms the kids are coming up with.
I’m just a woman, a woman who likes women, and dresses. I’m not more attracted to “butch” women or “dykes” because I feel there needs to be a gender binary balance to our relationship. I just feel that my sexuality and attraction to women have no connection to the clothes I wear. And it frustrates me when I try to come out to someone and they can’t comprehend my lesbianism due to my wearing of long floaty skirts, or when I buy clothing and my friends give out to me for looking “dykey” and playing into stereotypes. It seems I just can’t win!
So what do you do? What can you do in the face of all these stereotypes and lose-lose situations?
Confuse the hell out of people back. Wander around in flouncy dresses and Doc Martins, plaid shirt with hippy skirts.
Wear the clothes I want to wear, that make me feel happy, comfortable and like the person I really am.

Anyway…
Plaid shirt now bought and worn in, I must make a hair cut appointment to get a buzzcut… Or maybe a mullet.